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I want you so bad though you're out of reach. Closing my eyes I can see us lying on some exotic beach. Making love as waves break upon us under the setting sun. I see us living together and having such fun. Sure frustration occasionally will rear its' head. But frustration won't enter our minds in bed. There's not much that we couldn't do. One look in my blue eyes and you'll know it's true. I'll make you relax with a good rub on your back. You know you can count on me to take up the slack. If I had one wish and knew it'd come true. It'd be to spend the rest of my life with you. The thought of being with another makes me sick. I'm done with pathetic egotistical tricks. It was only myself who ever got burned. My own doing, at least I finally learned. Some look down on me and believe my life is sad. While others run in fear a step from being mad. But I believe you'd be enchanted. Your love I'd never take for granted. I can think of nowhere I'd rather rest. Then lying next to you gently stroking the hairs on your chest. I feel my desire threaten to consume me. Then I open my eyes, letting the dream go free. Can't stop a few tears from making the fall. A look at the phone yields no one to call. Only one man can reach me in time to save. From living a lie and again being enslaved. For now I pick up my pencil giving in to the muse. My greatest love that I can never lose.
9-8-98
Dive into the spring of creativity. Feel the charge of kinetic energy. Seeing imagery in white puffy clouds. Look introspectively through the blue crowd. I see an open hand reaching out to me. Never know just what you'll see. I've seen quite erotic, rather exquisite. Engulfing fantasies I often revisit. All are of you and your touch. Baby, I love you too damn much. I go crazy day and night. Somehow there's got to be a way. To set free this desire. Risk a romp with fire. To stand and face the shame. Be responsible and shoulder the blame. When your lying in my arms. I'm in awe of your seductive charm. Enchanted by your every little gesture. Expressing your emotions to their full measure. You're my greatest treasure, beyond compare. To live life without your love just wouldn't be fair. I thank God for you all the time. You're even inside me when I come up with a rhyme. I feel your influence, it is so strong. It's amazing that together we belong. Creative eruptions almost spontaneously. Recognition striking us instantaneously. Of the power we each possess. Cultivated and nurtured, love professed.
9-16-98
9-9-98
Take a moment to look around. Can you see how lucky you are? Are you grateful for what you've found? Haven't you gotten wishes made on a star? Life is a precious, priceless gift. Even though it's tough sometimes getting around each day. Frustration can set your mind a drift. Doubt or regret heavily on your conscience weigh. Death of a loved one or their struggle for life. Insecurities dancing around in your head. Worry and despair are sharper then any knife. It's hard to keep the faith when you're being misled. Focused on darkness when you most need the light. Eaten up by loneliness you can't break through. To stay positive and productive is a constant fight. If you win and live happily what more can you do? Besides making your life better and leaving pain behind. Much harder to achieve is peace of mind. Some search for it their whole life long. Others draw comfort from poetry or an exciting book. And there are those who choose to lean on a song. If you keep looking, someday you'll find what it took. Even if you don't it's the searching that counts. You may not see that now, but maybe you will. Making the effort to try is paramount. Once you do, I'm sure you'll feel the Ultimate thrill.9-19-98
8-19-98
No one knows the depth of my pain. Emotional turmoil fills my brain. Nothing eases how I feel. Only rejection and pain are real. No matter which way I turn. My aching heart gets burned. Slowly killing myself with loathing. Hating everything from my face to my clothing. Looking for that which I can never find. Love and blessed peace of mind. I have tried many times. Fallen for too many lines. Such as, "I love you," or "I know best." Heard from Parent and Lover, you can guess the rest. My soul is tormented by memories and could've beens. My heart is heavy with regretful sins. How can this ever end? Will I break or learn to bend. Who knows and God only cares. While I suffer through intrusive stares. In my anger and bitterness. I've proliferated my own loneliness. Mostly because I hate how I screwed myself up. Confined to a chair with only a leg and a stump. Knowing I let this happen without a forethought. Only caring if I got caught. Well caught I am, by my own folly. The monster in me hides behind a face so jolly. No one can tell I'm ready to blow. Where and when, who knows.
Can't you tell Disability is for real? Don't you know how it makes me feel? To sit with a smile as I use my chair. Doesn't matter how I got here or if it's fair. I'd rather you looked at my beautiful child. Having people gawk at my leg gets me really riled. Like you'd prefer I sit and drown in despair. I rise to the challenge of life, who cares if you stare? I surely don't cuz it only makes you look bad. You have no idea what it takes to get this far. It's ridiculous to be asked, "How do you drive a car?" As if it's your business and need to know. The way I see it, that just isn't so. Don't get me wrong, I understand your curiosity. It just gets old and indeed often bothers me. Why is it so hard for you to understand? Why assume 'I can't' when I obviously can? It might make you feel good to offer assistance. Please try to see that my practiced resistance. Has more to do with setting an example. Doing it myself, instead of having my esteem trampled. It may be harder for you to watch me try. But you'll be left in the dust as I wheel by. I hope you figure it out someday. Through poems and novels I'll have my say. I'm so tired of being misunderstood. Life is short, but all life is good.9-15-98
If you're feeling down, sad and alone. Remember it's your life and you choose what'll be shown. Do you want pity or do you crave respect? With that depressing attitude it's pity that you'll get. No two disabilities are quite the same. But is it your disability you want to draw fame? Think on this hard, give it some thought. Or you'll never understand the way you've been caught. When will you free yourself and let go of the past? It's time for you to let go and set an example at last. I know it's not easy having been through it you see. It may be difficult, but don't you want to be set free? Take a good long look into my sparkling eyes. And maybe then you might realize. That what I say is true. The only one who'll free you is ultimately you. Don't try to make half-hearted comparisons of us. I'm dead serious and I'm a woman you can trust. I wouldn't laugh or poke fun despite how you think. We're on the same side and sometimes it stinks. How some people indulge and stare. I'll agree that that isn't fair. In spite of it all it's well worth the fight. Leave your self pity forever and you'll see I am right. Give it a shot what can you lose? Someone who's facing your problems aint afraid of a little bruise. Think of the wonderful gift of life you've been given. Look to yourself and then change how you're living.
9-5-98
It does no good to sit asking why. It happened okay? Go ahead and cry. It's fine to be sad, at least you didn't die. You should be grateful and heave a big sigh. You've been given a second chance to live again. What kind of message do you want to send? Do you need to keep suffering though your body will mend? When the time comes, you'll make amends. It's yourself you hurt with endless excuses. And sadly your loved ones take your abuses. Making yourself ugly by being obtuse. No one really buys the 'I'm so pathetic' ruse. Someday you'll tire of venting your wrath. And then change can follow the aftermath. It's all in your power to alter your path. Just come to your senses and quit being daft. You need to admit that your life's worth living. Fill your heart and make love be what your giving. It's time to quit all your fibbing. Can't you take a bit of ribbing? I learned to and can dish some quite well. When I learned how to walk again, I always got up when I fell. I chose to quit putting myself through hell. But if you can, only time will tell.
9-5-98
9-4-98
It used to be you'd say I was too young. And that I would not understand. Your words hurt me yet fell easily from your tongue. I hid my secret rebellion to your bogus demands. Seemed like you always tried to rearrange. Saying that was how you showed you cared. Like it was your right as Parent to insist I change. But I was out at night until I got snared. You had the nerve to act like it broke your heart. Then it was back to your drunken trance. I felt as if you were out of patience from the start. On me it seemed like you'd never take the chance. That there might be value in hearing me out. Giving me a taste of real validation. Instead more trite phrases you'd spout. About how I owed you respect while you gave intimidation. Too bad you couldn't put me first for real. We might've become closer then we are today. If only you'd truly cared about how you made me feel. It's in the past, now I'm the Parent my way. Being the Mother I wished you'd been. I don't let my emotions run the show. I don't believe it takes victimizing to win. I bet it's your parents who made you feel so low. I understand how much labels hurt. At least we are able to still speak. No longer trying to make each other eat dirt. To go out at night I no longer sneak.
9-19-98
*Not that my relationship with my mother was like this...but a good friend's was and I was inspired to write it for her. I hope you dig the way I wrap up the endings. I try pretty hard to end on a positive note most of the time. Some poems just beg to be bad though like this next one.
Feelin' down, yes it's true. Seems like nothing matters. No one to talk to. No mindless chatter. Just me alone. Wishin' it'd get better. Stuck in the zone. My cheeks gettin' wetter. Tears won't stop fallin'. Pathetic fantasies turn to dust. Can't stop from bawlin'. Feel so hopeless and full of disgust. Why does this anguish linger? Can't lick it no matter what. Helpless I am as a broken finger. I'm as open as a door locked shut. This loneliness is getting to be too much. I long to be kissed and held tight. In desperate need of a lover's touch. Seems like I've lost this fight. Almost at a point I no longer care. I guess I'll always be second best. At my reflection I angrily glare. Even in my sleep I get no rest. Praying to God for an end to my pain. I wish it was easier to wait. If I could just believe there was a gain. The way I feel now, I'll never find a mate.
Kindness Never Fades
Life is full of stages. Infancy, childhood and teenage. Becoming an adult. Steering clear of cults. Learning where you fit in. Keeping clear of beer and gin. Learning what not to smoke. And when to laugh at jokes. Learning to be kind to others. Learning how to be the best lover. Picking out your kind of clothes. Taking care of yourself from head to toes. Remembering life is very short. Trying not to end yours in court. Life is for living so live it full. Everyone's life should be wonderful. Remember death comes for us all. No matter how we try to stall. So enjoy the Earth in all its' grace. To each person you greet wear a smile on your face. It could brighten their day. And the memory of kindness never fades.
10-19-90
